The Basic Problem with Relationships
I was with a woman who wanted drama and excitement, however, my life energy was moving in the direction of peace and stillness. Actually, I was influenced by her. I saw that she had an absence of desire for new, shiny things, and wondered how I could be more like that. I found the way -- through contact with nature, meditation, and a sense of balance and proportion in the activities of life. So I thank her for that.
But she was becoming bored. And critical. She judged me over and over and found me wanting. We'd go on a hike, and I'd take a picture with her at the summit. I could tell by her face and demeanor that she was thinking "why am I with this clown?"
What can you say to that? You can't fight it. You just have to recognize the storehouse of love is empty. You'll have to leave.
One way to flail against that reality is to "assert yourself." To "be strong" with the idea of altering that image she has formed of you. Here is the problem with that: do you want to be an actor in your own life? Do you want to "manage" the one you chose as your life partner like a child?
Eventually you'll relax and stop acting. And then, whatever process allowed her contempt for you to grow will simply start anew. You can't expect her to change or "get" anything new. If that happens, wonderful. I thought it happened two or three times, and relaxed...I even felt a bit triumphant.
But each time, her expression regained a sour overlay. She needed someone to blame, and I was closest. Such people have to end up alone in order to understand they are the cause of their inner experience. If it is black, then their thoughts run along black lines.
The thing is, I was fooled for so long in this process. I entertained so much hope. In fact, many of my thoughts began from a fundamentally weak stance: "I have hope that she is improving." And then I would remember good times of the past and forget about the dismal present.
So I have two problems if I think about any future relationship: problem one is her tendency to see my kindness as weakness, as a way to explain her misery. Problem two is my desire to avoid facing and accepting that problem one is a death knell for real togetherness, partnership, love.
So it is her and it is me. And in fact, perhaps I telegraph my willingness to serve as the sponge for her dark emotions. I must end up telling the woman "you can blame me for a long time before I face up to the injustice of what you are doing. I will take your s#(t." And this must be attractive to such a woman. And so, bargain made, we are both happy for a time. But the only place this leads to is disgust and contempt. First on her part, but eventually on mine as well. I don't like feeling contempt for a woman. It burns away something in me that should not be utterly burned away.
And so I must regard them as museum pieces. I'm not meant for such partnerships. I fully accept that the lack is on my side in ways I haven't yet perceived. But what else can I do? There are plants I can water and see grow. There are other plants that I can't see a way to provide them with what they need, and why should I try to grow such plants?
I often think of the Ents, who lost the Entwives, and ask where they went. Treebeard lives and does good. Yes, something is missing, but there is nothing he can do about it. The Entwives did leave, after all. Were they to return, it would merely be to remind them why they left, and again they would leave.
My full admiration and happiness to all who escape such concerns! I call it good if my concerns are odd, myopic, and unrepresentative of the general flow of humankind.